The Charlotte News

Saturday, November 26, 1938

FIVE EDITORIALS

Site Ed. Note: And then on Tuesday, we all went dutifully back to class, back to work, and, unlike the previous day, when we were allowed to go home at 11:00 a.m., this would be a full day, to study the classics, and Latin, and what-not and so forth. Another day at the office. Yet...not really.

We reproduce from this day's page the editorial below from Heywood Broun. We get the feeling he's been readin' our mail. Yet, wait a minute, he wrote that in 1938. Ah, well.

Here's a clue. You figure the rest, including all that stuff about Dies & Co. at the helm, cap'n, going down to Birmingham, (pronounced for you Englishters, Birming-ham), to hunt them up some more Reds by employin' a few stoops among our less blessed brethren and sisterns, and do a lil figurin on't, across a few seconds in time.

For our own part, we's goin' fishin' down by the crawdad hole today, and maybe gonna ride our pony in the meadow some, too.

Whistle us up a melody...

But first, here's another couple hints:

Billet-doux, says OED:

A letter written by a lover to the beloved, and expressing amatory sentiments.

Pony:

We'll add another: A learning technique by which for children to recall things, maybe later, much later, to touch by comprehension, by associational remembrance, as in "riding rhyme".

So, now to go a-fishin'. See ye lata.

His name was Tricky, Big, Bad Tricky--the 142d fastest gun, in the West...Tricky.

And as for stimulating more dupes to trick us, Mr. And Ms. Fancy Schemer, go right on ahead, go right on right ahead. And find out, Not-see, where it gets thou who might try right, rightist Tricky rightist, das Schwarz Korps. You might wind up the only one left--in Hell.

How'd that be, stupe?

Meanwhile, like as not we'll just fillip you vp with some good ol' Aristophanes.

Hoova. We's likes Hoova! Don't yous? He sucks up all that durt--besides we's prefers White Lightnin' to Black Lightnin' and store-bought likca anyway, don't yous? Prohibit thems frum drinkin' all that stuff in them shanties. White Lightnin'. Yessuh.

Vote Hoova!

And Tricky will be soon to fala! With Timahoe by his side.

Yessuh! Glorious livin'.

Yessuh.

But, now, all that sets us to thinkin' some, comes to think of it, 'fore we do go on down heya to a-fishin' heya at the hole.

We's has to wonda a lil on what it was that someone somewheya mighta been thinkin' back theya, say, well you knows when, say when, when theys be a seein' that that thar ol' newsprint down theya about that "new frontier" set out by the aftermath of Munich in Checkosloovacia, and that udder one about, well, you guessed it, the military "fix" of unemployment employed by Hitla, who we all know had some pretty good ideas, just an ol' bawy like us hoo went about 'em all rong, don't you know. He needed somebody udder than a Wop for a partner. (Where does that term come frum anyway? Latin?)

Anyhow, we's reckin in the end that, well it must be true that that "new frontier" of peace, progress, technology and understanding of human events and peoples around the globe must surely be evol, not love, for afta all, we'd be plum out of a job searchin' our naval intel. files heya if so, if that new frontier eva gawt to bes. And then, we might... Well, we mite goes insane.

We thinks we'll call ouwa old buddy down theya, in Mawntgum'ry, and ast him what he thinks of them new frowntears and puttin' us ol' lo'wul gen'rals out to pastya and we's sees, 'cause he did say theya in June that some folks are goin' to be regrettin' all this heya integrashun down theya when Novemba--or maybe he said come next elecshun day--anyhow, when that come around, don't ye know.

One otha queshun. Yu reckin this heya bawy Cash was on Relief?

That's funny, theya. Don't ye think?

Sho glad we's got rid o' him whens we did. Made the right decishun theya. Yu betcha.

Murtha? What murtha?

We ain't got no stinkin' murthas. We don't need no stinkin' murthas. We ain't got to show you no stinkin' murthas. We's just gots Me fists.

You wanna fite about it?

Virgil? Who's Virgil?

Ekneecbull? What you talkin' 'bout?

This bawy be stirrin' them burr-heads down theya enuff and we's us has sum reel problems on owa hands. Don't you agree, Gee? This heya calls faw action of a most immedyut va-ri-et-y.

Sumta! Yessuh. Sumta, ower sumpta. If theys wants to faws theyas Yanque wills on us, we's just succeed awl ova agin.

Succeed!

Hoova!

If they had a hamma? Well, we'll tells you just one thing. We's don't needs no hamma. We's gots us axes-handles. Phooey on theya hammas. Phooey, we say. Phooey!

Succeed!

Hoova!

By Heywood Broun

One of the great dangers which are threatened by the election is the possibility that we may be returning to one-party government. Most Americans believe that the two-party system functions better, but until the New Deal came into power such a setup existed in name only. There was, to be sure, an official opposition in the Congress during the administration of Harding, Coolidge and Hoover, but it was made up largely of old-line Southern Democrats.

The difference between an old-line Republican and traditional Southern Democrat is hardly greater than the thickness of a fingernail. They may indulge in the fiery sham battles, but upon all fundamental economic and political issues they think and vote alike. And so it would be a singularly bleak day in November, 1940, if the voter had to face the choice of casting his ballot for Bennett Champ Clark or Robert Taft. Such a situation would vastly increase the sale of fishing poles, since the problem of differentiating between the contestants would be of interest only to watch-makers and miniature painters.

THE DOC MIGHT SETTLE FOR THE TREASURY JOB

However, it is fair to admit that the new crop of Republicans who won in the last election represents a divided allegiance. Two rubber stamps have been used in the branding. In fact, a highly interesting backstage contest is going on for the leadership of the Republican Party. It has created little comment because, while one of the contenders has been extremely articulate, his opponent has done practically all his boring from within. The complete lineup will not be known for many weeks, but, as far as surface indications go it seems possible that the Republican side of the House will contain more Townsendites than Hooverites.

If Maine is to be accepted as a barometer, the good doctor got the jump on the great humanitarian. Such a rift in the Republican ranks might hold promise of spirited fireworks if it were not for the fact that Dr. Townsend in all public questions, save the little matter of the pension plan, is highly conservative. Naturally his favor has been courted by certain Democratic candidates as well as Republicans, but in almost every instance the gray economist has plumped for the GOP. He has been candid in saying that he distrusts the crackpot notions of the New Deal. And so it is quite possible that a satisfactory adjustment can be made before any fierce bickering begins between the two wings of the Republican Party.

One of the factors which make for peace and cohesion within the ranks is the circumstances that Dr. Townsend has no ambition to be President. Accordingly, a truce easily could be achieved. Nothing more than a simple gentleman's agreement would be needed. The terms could stipulate that in 1940 Mr. Hoover or his protege should take the White House and grant to Dr. Townsend the modest boon of allowing him to become the Secretary of the Treasury. If no such reconciliation is to be made the Doctor is in a position to advance the candidacy of a not unlikely protege of his own.

YOUNG LODGE IS PLAINLY WILLING TO PLAY BALL

Henry Cabot Lodge, the brilliant young Senatorial statesman from Massachusetts, does not precisely embrace the Townsend Plan, but he has been sending Valentines. And the good Doctor is a shrewd politician, who has a habit of card-indexing billet-doux.

In addition to Dr. Townsend another national leader of note has a local lien upon the Republican Party. Raymond E. Baldwin, who took Connecticut away from the popular Governor Cross, has been mentioned in a number of jubilant editorials as a potential Presidential candidate as the leader of the revolt of industrial New England against the New Deal's tendency to favor labor. Mr. Baldwin won by almost 3,000 votes.

It is possible, of course, that he was helped a little by the fact that Jasper McLevy, running as a Socialist, polled 165,000 votes. But this was only indirect. Into Mr. Baldwin's own totals were poured 5,000 votes from the Union Party, which is the property of Father Coughlin. That was sufficient to turn the tide, and no doubt Mr. Baldwin is grateful to the kindly cleric who preaches brotherhood for some upon the radio.

And in Coughlin's own state the GOP stands under certain obligations to the shirts both black and silver. On the surface it might seem as if the Republicans would have to split the spoils of victory among somewhat diverse forces. This is a superficial point of view. The Republican Party has a right to boast that it has never hesitated to take the shirt off the voter's back to recompense its allies. And in the last analysis Hoover, Townsend, Coughlin and the rest of the boys can get together.

Two stories on the front page in yesterday afternoon's News were in the best Gilbert and Sullivan manner. They were:

CZECHS "ASSUME" GUARANTEES OF MUNICH TO BE EFFECTIVE

--and--

BRITAIN NOT PREPARED TO LOSE LANDS.

The Czechs appear to have a wry sense of humor. They are too sensible actually to believe that the "guarantee" of their new frontiers by England and France is worth anything. They know very well that France brazenly broke her guarantee to defend those frontiers when they were capable of defense, and that she certainly isn't likely to try to keep it now that nobody on earth could successfully defend them. But Mr. Bumble and Daladier, in a frantic effort to make the Munich business look pious, blurted out that they would make this "guarantee." And now, apparently, Czechoslovakia means grimly to make them live up to it and set it down in black and white, so that they may be shown up fairly and nakedly when the time comes for another decision.

And as for Sir Samuel Hoare's hints that Bumble has no intention of giving Germany any of the English colonies--that is only solemnly to labor the obvious. Nobody ever accused Bumble of intending to give up anything British as the price of "appeasement." He never does. Merely, it has been said that he means to have France, Portugal, and Belgium give up some of their colonies to Germany.

Thus the Associated Press in its report on the defense program which is being drawn up in Washington.

And as long as the numbers of reliefers used are small, we guess it's all right. Indeed, you might easily think, at first glance, that it would be swell to use all the reliefers that way. But there is a danger. That, essentially, is just what Germany has done--to use the surplus of labor, the unemployed, in making arms, essential war materials, and building defenses such as the Siegfried Line. That is how she can boast that she has totally eliminated unemployment. But for that she has paid a fearful price. She couldn't quit turning out arms by the tons now--couldn't quit the building of bigger and bigger fortresses--the piling up of war stores--even if she wanted to. For that would be to restore unemployment all along the line and probably set off revolution.

We certainly do not want to give into any comparable fix--to create a situation whereunder we will have to go on making arms and producing for war, after all rational needs of defense have been met. For that would lead logically to the gradual militarization of the whole population.

While Adolf Hitler shocks the world with his brutal baiting of the Jews, Benito Mussolini turns to the torture of schoolboys. Not with rack and screw or concentration camps or anything like that, to be sure. But simply with an order to teachers to see that hereafter the boys don't use their "ponies" (translations) to master Caesar and Virgil. For "ponies," says Benito, are "unfascist."

Benito better look after himself. It is commonly said that his strength lies with the youth of the land rather than with the oldsters, and if Benito keeps on his way he is going to raise up a horde of lads who'll hate his frowning looks. For hundreds of years embattled schoolboys have successfully asserted their will to use "ponies," despite the snooping eyes and suspicious queries of Latin masters. And maybe with very good reason. A knowledge of Latin, which extends beyond an acquaintance with a few roots, is really of little account to anybody but a scholar who wants to read medieval literature. The language is long since dead for all purposes whatever, its classics are all available in translation, and its grammar is appallingly intricate. It is easy, indeed, to believe that that grammar was invented by Satan for the explicit end of making the lives of schoolboys unendurable.

So Benito had better look out for himself. But, ah, now, of course, we are only fooling. For, obviously, the order isn't going to succeed, any better than orders exactly like it, issued by Latin masters for these hundreds of years, have succeeded in the past. Benito may frown, but the boys will go right on getting away with the use of the "ponies."

The action of the mass meeting held at Birmingham yesterday under the auspices of the Alabama Democratic Women's Club in demanding a probe by Dies & Company of the Southern Conference for Human Welfare and its resolution for the abolition of Jim Crow laws, smacks of hysteria. What a probe by Dies means is plain enough. It means that Dies will dig up some irresponsible persons whom nobody ever heard of before, to give it as their hot opinion that the conference is made up of a gang of Reds. Which is to say that it will be an exercise in nonsense.

The make-up of this conference needs no such probing. The names that figure as its leaders are plain enough indication as to its character. It is no Red organization, but one of soul-searching Liberals. Ourselves, we think that the resolution, for the abolition of the Jim Crow laws was ill-advised and totally unrealistic. But the conference has a perfect right to think what it thinks and to say it. And we have come to a pretty pass if every exercise of free speech to say unpopular things is to be the signal for a "smear" by Dies and other such eneciable crackpots.

The mass meeting at Birmingham charged that the resolution had "disturbed greatly the racial relations in Birmingham and Alabama." Maybe, but we doubt it. Our guess is that the Negroes of Alabama, who, if they are like Negroes in general, are pretty good realists, paid it little mind, knowing very well that nothing could or would come of it--and that if it had been let alone, it would have been quickly forgotten. In any case whatever, it is manifest that such action as that taken at Birmingham yesterday only serves to keep the question stirred up. And that a Dies probe would be perfectly calculated to turn it into a burning and angry issue.

Seems to us that Dick Young, and his "Tempest In a Thimble" on this page today, makes a sensible argument when he says that the rumors about official corruption ought to be heard by the Civil Service Commission and disposed of one way or another. It was not the intention of Commissioner Garrison, we gather, to give these rumors any standing or to cause them to be circulated publicly. He wanted, rather, having heard them, to talk them over in private with the rest of the commission.

It didn't turn out that way. On the contrary, the rumors have been printed and reprinted, so that by now nearly everybody must know that there are whispers about--

... the police and prostitution, and the detective division and the butter 'n' eggs, a high City official etc., etc., etc...

That they may be fanciful or purely malicious is beside the point. The point is that they have gained currency. And the only way to dispose of a rumor is to come to grips with it.